As it is said, it takes a whole lifetime to know thyself. Yet, every day brings new experiences, new lessons, new realizations that will lead you to discovering your very true self.
As a child, I grew up in a normal family living a very simple life. I belong to a family that values traditional traits such as obedience and respect. My father is a disciplinarian and he was able to discipline us, his children, but sad to say, he wasn’t able to discipline himself especially when it comes to his vices, smoking and drinking alcohol. However, he is taking those vices now in moderation. My mother, on the other hand, is the strength in the family being the breadwinner most of the time. She is patient, prayerful and I may say, very religious. I always see her bringing a rosary with her and she prays the holy rosary every night. What I can still vividly remember is that we used to pray the rosary altogether when I was a child but it stopped when my brother and I used to play around our sole while kneeling. We couldn’t understand yet the essence of praying the rosary but our mother never failed to instill to us the importance of praying and having strong faith in God. My mother always brought us along with her on Sunday masses without a miss. She pinched us everytime we’ll not accompany her. Moreover, my mother is very serious in earning for our daily bread. She got married at an early age of 20 but she knew already how to take responsibility at that very early age. She toiled hard everyday of her life just to sustain us in our daily needs. My father used to be a farmer but when we transferred to a city, they started a small business and that business carried us along until we finish college. Our parents don’t have college education and that’s the reason why we value education in the family. Without the hard work and perseverance of my parents, we cannot get the college diploma that we now enjoy and we cannot be the persons they've dreamed us to be.
I have only one brother. He is my playmate, my companion and my best buddy. I could say that he’s my number one fan and at the same time, my best critic. He told other people about my bests (of which I learned later at school) and he is very honest enough to tell me about my worsts. We grew up very close to each other since we share the same joys and pains in the family. If something is going on in our family, we always consult each other especially in making important decisions. He has proven his love to me when I was at the lowest ebb in my life, when I got my myoma and had it operated. He was there in my suffering, very considerate in my whole process of pain. He even gave up his job just to take care of me while in the hospital. He became my nurse, my very patient and comforting nurse. He is with me in almost, if not, all important occasions in my life.
Going through operation was the hardest time for me since I didn’t have any hospital experience at all, until I reached the age of 23. When the doctor discovered about my myoma, that was the biggest predicament I ever had. It sounded like cancer to me, maybe it’s because of the dread I felt when I am in the hospital, seeing blood. When I got that operation, it tested the whole me. I was vexed by various emotions- physical discomfort, mental anxiety, emotional distress. But God has been so good to me for the entire experience has been the greatest blessing I have ever received. He became so real and nearest to me than I could imagine. The operation may come as a trial to me at first but realizing the beauty of the entire experience made me believe the grace of God He has constantly poured on me. With that experience, I have learned to embrace the beauty hidden in each and every experience I go through in life. I have also learned to appreciate the goodness in each and every person I encounter in life. They have become the bedrock of my strength and inspiration. I would have never realized all of these, had it not been for my myoma. When I’m faced now with difficulties and challenges, I remained unfazed. I already know how to keep my pace and keep my faith. I become strong to face problems no matter how insurmountable they may seem. I’ve learned most importantly to value my life and to find deeper meaning in my life. God is leading me to where He wanted me to go….to the road less traveled.
Since I was a second year high school, I have this thought of becoming a nun. Yes, I really wanted to enter a convent but I’ve learned that congregations will only accept aspirants who are at least graduates in high school, I really then wanted to graduate as soon as possible so I could be a nun. I don’t know how I was able to contain such a thought but I had this strong desire to enter a religious life. At that time, I started listening to Christian and gospel songs, I started reading the Holy Scriptures, I attended masses, I constantly visited the Shrine of the Sacred Heart, and I loved listening to God’s word. Since I studied in a public school, we only had our catechism every Wednesdays and I had always been attentive to our Cathechism classes. From there, it developed my fondness for knowing and reading God’s word. My favorite song at that time was “Lord, I want to know you more”. In an honestly-vague-profound-and- inexplicable way, I wanted to know the Lord. At that time, I had friends who are non- Catholics but showed great respect for Catholics. We gathered every lunch to have bible study. One of my closest friends also was a member of Youth for Christ (YFC) and she always invited me to join in their fellowship. I joined one of their fellowships but being the introvert person that I am, I realized that I cannot be as sociable as them and so I decided not to join YFC. But my journey of wanting to know God is rumbling within me. In my entire high school years, I have always been visited by the thought of becoming a nun, though at that time, I have not seen any nun at all.
While entering college, it was the biggest crossroad in my life. I don’t know what course to take and what school to enroll in college. I was perplexed. I wanted to study in a university far from our place but the circumstances at that time did not allow, despite the scholarship I was able to avail. My mother wanted me to study in a university in our place but while I was enrolling in that would-be-school, I was disappointed to see male students wearing earrings and with tattoos all over their bodies. I was so afraid looking at them and so I decided not to enroll in that particular school even if my mother would be indignant about my decision. I was so down and confused at that time for I was left with no choice. I wanted to enroll in any course related to behavioral sciences since I wanted to be a psychologist or a social worker but that did not happen. I was so devastated. And so, I decided to enroll in St. Mary’s College. I was hesitant to enroll in this school at first because it is known to be a very expensive school of which only rich could afford (that was my thought before), so SMC was my last option since it is the only school in Tagum which cater to late enrollees like me at that time. I took up Commerce (far from my choice) for it was the only course which they say ‘strike anywhere’, meaning you can have a job of any sort for as long as you are a commerce graduate. But my path was tilted once again when I applied for a PESFA scholarship. At first, the associate dean in education was reluctant to accept me as a scholar since the prime requirement is for a candidate to be coming from poor and big families. Since I only have one sibling, he thought we were not that poor. But I was begging him to no end until he agreed to accept my requirements. He said I would only be a scholar if I pass the CHED standards. One week after the submission of my requirements, my request was granted. I became a scholar but I didn’t know that it was only meant for education students. And so, I immediately dropped my commerce subjects and instantly became an education student. In education, I had fun learning about theories of learning and philosophies of teaching. I came to understand the different learning styles of students and the methodologies suited for a particular group of students. I met Dewey, Pavlov, Kohlberg and some other theorists and philosophers. I never regretted being an education student. I had countless experiences in the classroom when I had my practicum and that opened a whole lot of new learnings for me. I finished my baccalaureate degree- Bachelor of Elementary Education with an area of concentration in English. I felt so fulfilled holding my college diploma.
Getting a college diploma is not an end in itself or so, before I thought, it is. I was so blessed to be given the chance to have my first year of teaching in the same school in the elementary department after I graduated. It was not a smooth sailing experience though for I had experience a lot of challenges that tested my very weak soul. At that time, those problems were very hard for me to handle but as I am recounting them now, they were all trivial matters that were meant to teach me simple but significant lessons in life. My second year of teaching was the best teaching experience I have encountered. I have learned to adjust with my environment. I loved my students very much and I deeply cared for them. This was the time when I can say teaching is a fulfilling vocation. I was inspired to be with my students and to do the best I can whether my students feel it or not. At that time, I’ve learned to embrace teaching. Though it was tiring but at the end of the day, I can sense fulfillment in my heart. That was a happy year for me. But on my third year of teaching, I experienced the greatest challenge in my life. I was given a big responsibility. I was so reluctant to accept because of the rigorous task ahead of me but I was made to accept the job. I was appointed as the Academic Coordinator at that time. I was so young, impulsive, idealistic and determined to follow the straight line. And so in my wanting to follow what should be ideal, I failed. I experienced several traumas because of the demanding job entrusted to me. But after five months, I was diagnosed to have myoma and the doctor advised me to have it operated as early as possible. I had bulging stomach at that time and I felt series of physical discomforts. I decided to have it operated after the school year ended. April 7, 2009 was the date of my operation. I opted to resign from my job prior to my operation. But after two months of rest, I was given an offer to teach in the college. With a hesitant heart at that time, I still accepted the teaching stint in the college.
That opportunity got to be another new adjustment to me. I had a new job, CALL In-charge in the college, that means, that I’ll not be dealing with elementary students anymore but college students, that also means I’ll be having new companions, I’ll be working in a different environment, so to speak. I both made minor and major adjustments. Few months after I’ve transferred, I experienced bouts of depression. I don’t know what happened to me. Maybe it was part of my post- operative syndrome. I felt I was secluded from the rest of the word. I felt I was caged. I was inside the laboratory the whole day, facing computers, giving instructions to my students, telling them about rhetoric in speech, setting the software program, creating learning paths and many more. In short, I kept myself busy but there was something that I missed. I thought for a while, and I figured out that, I missed the real classroom setting. During the second semester on that year, I was so happy that I was given the teaching load in English. With this, I was so inspired to finish my master’s degree so that I will make myself qualified to teach. I was so happy being with the college students. I felt the challenge in teaching them to learn, unlearn and relearn. I felt fulfillment when I have imparted something for them to keep. I taught English subjects and I always made sure that they’ll get something valuable.
This is my second year of teaching in the college. I couldn’t imagine how I was able to manage every adjustment I have to make. I am not a perfect teacher and I will never be. There were times in which I felt I was unsuccessful in teaching my students especially if they have not understood a particular topic, have not mastered a particular concept, and have not applied a particular learning. I felt sad when they got low scores in their quizzes and exams, when they failed, when they dropped. But I have always been considerate. In my five years of teaching, I cannot recall failing a student who has shown enough diligence in studying. But there were times, I dropped students who didn’t have enough discipline even after I made several attempts of reaching out to them. When I felt low, I consoled myself by saying that the outcome in teaching is intangible, it is beyond the naked eye. What is important is one’s sincerity and generosity in teaching. After all, teaching is the work of the Master’s Hands, I am just an instrument. Every day, I thank God for leading me to where He believes I can serve better His vineyard. I felt blessed to be given this merit to shape young minds and hearts. For it is also through teaching, that I see and feel Christ in my midst.
Now that I am 25, I made the biggest and bravest decision ever. After years of discernment, I now reached to the finality of my decision to enter in the religious life. It took years of soul-searching, careful harmonizing, balancing and weighing, of the things I will leave behind. It took a leap of faith and several grains of courage for me to finally open my decision to my family, friends and loved ones. It is not easy for them to accept. Most of them criticized me at first but with the grace of God, they have understood little by little my decision. Though not all of my family members agree, I know that God will give them opportunity to understand. I know deeply in my heart, that the road to being a religious is not easy, it is a journey, it is a process. If it is then a process, it is hard. Harder than what anybody would think it is. I place entirely all my trust in God’s holy hands. I am nothing before Him but I know that He will do something out of my nothingness. I am sinful, more sinful than anybody else but I know God will make something out of my sinfulness. I entrust my will to Him. With fervent prayer and deep faith, God will surely unravel His will for me in my life.
All throughout my experiences, from the time I entered St. Mary’s College, 9 years ago until now; I saw figures of women in veil. I didn’t know what nuns are and how they lived their lives until I’ve met the RVM sisters. I would like to believe that these women have been my constant sources of inspiration especially when I’ve met the likes of S. Ging (who used to be the Grade School Principal when I started teaching) and S. Elsa (who had been the finance officer in my third year of teaching) and other RVM sisters who have been part of my growth as a person. They were inspirers and life-bringers to me. They have journeyed with me in my vocation. I thank them for the generosity of their hearts and most importantly for showing the genuineness of their souls. I’ve seen the 'humanness' in them and I thank them for being the persons that they are. Before, I thought that nuns are perfect, they are like paragons in the society but they have proved me wrong. Nuns are just like any other person who commits mistakes everyday of their lives but their only difference is that they are more repentant and discerning than the rest. When I have thought of what congregation to choose, I was hesitant at first, for I need to know myself, my strengths, my charisms but later my thought led me to the RVM Congregation, being the first Filipino women congregation. And aside from that, I have a sense of familiarity of the dear foundress, Venerable Ignacia del Espiritu Santo, being an adopted Ignacian daughter for nine years. I have come to know who she is not by facts but by heart. I knew, in my heart, that she has a deep spirituality – a contemplative in action. I thank God for the gift of Mother Ignacia who has sown the seed of vocation in me, that, I may, one day be like her, a woman of deep spirituality and be able to transform this spirituality into selfless service to others.
Indeed, God has moved me to courageously traverse the road less traveled. It is a journey- painful, difficult and self-effacing journey of knowing the One and True God and in the process of knowing my Maker, I will deeply discover an answer to a query I’ve ever learned- who am I?
