Integrity- Not too many people get to live with it

     Integrity. Mr. Webster defined it as the firm adherence to moral principles and values.
     In my 25 years of living and co-existing in this world, I have come to know that not too many people get to live with integrity. I, being one of those people.
     It took a while for me to realize the deeper meaning of what I consider to be the most important virtue in life- INTEGRITY. For me, it means wholeness, oneness, completeness, to sum it, incorruptibility of one's self.
    Incorruptibility of one's self means that our thoughts, feelings and actions are in congruence with one another. It can be said further that in any given circumstances and life situations-the mind, heart and body should always go together. I believe that every human being has an inherent and innate incorruptibility sown in each one of us which our natural goodness resides, that is, our SOUL.
    Our soul is the entirety of our ESSENCE. Life would be without meaning if we are not deeply rooted in our essence. God has placed inside each one of us a seed, seed of goodness, that in our existence, the seed He has planted in us, will bear fruits and yield branches,that in times of difficulties and struggles, persecutions and tribulations, tests and rejections, we will remain still, steady, and strong, ever receptive of His grace.That in all our choices and decisions in life, we will clearly see our ground at all costs, hold them firmly, deeply anchored on our moral beliefs and principles.
   Having this as irrefutable basis of integrity, I could honestly say that in so many occasions in my life, I become DISHONEST to my self and to others. Going into my own discovery of self, I've realized that almost, if not all occasions, I have not acted according to what I believe is right and proper but according to other people's opinions. My image, my view of self is anchored on the 'good image' I portrayed for others to see. I knew very well that I always acted according to the expectations  of others. In my wanting to please others, win their sides, gain their approval and appreciation, I developed a rotten system of make-believe. In the process, I don't have a healthy sense of self. Literally, I've lost my self, my individuality, my worth. It is hurting and even more painful to note, that in trying to please everybody, trying to do the things expected of me , trying to convince others of the goodness I have, I am at my losing end. There came a point that I don't know myself anymore. I can't reconcile my thoughts with my feelings and so are my actions. There's rumbling of emotions within me, there's too much of  confusing thoughts, there's too many stressing and depressing consequences of actions.I feel trapped in a vicious cycle of nothingness and of the unknown that I unconsciously built against myself making life unbearable for me. It seems there's no way out for me, it is haunting me to no end.
    God, in His infinite greatness, led me to a deeper self-discover last night. For once in my life, I tried my best to be honest in recounting the many events, situations and experiences I have had. Knowing the darkest aspects about myself is tough and it is even tougher to accept them as they are. It takes a lot of humility and courage to fully surmount the 'cliffs' of pretenses I made to myself and others. It takes a great deal of time to regain the 'self' I've lost. It takes a lot of acceptance to withstand rejection.It is easier for me to be in denial of my ugly self but I chose the harder part,that is to accept the unacceptable things about me for I know that more than anybody else, it's my self who's deeply hurt and has been heavily left with a painful scar that last a lifetime. More than anybody else, I need to be healed and I need to be forgiven. I should forgive myself and get to live a life of INTEGRITY.